Ward experience & Critical moment

I was supposed to be discharged after a week but on that particular day, the doctor took it upon herself to check my spo2 & she went," kenapa mak cik punya heart beat tinggi sgt?" (My heart beat was above 100  ~ normal heart beat shud be 60 - 100) Err .. that definitely didn't sound good. Yes I had fever during the night but it was down by morning so I didn't make a deal out it. Unfortunately, the doctor saw it differently. She cancelled discharging me & sent me into "isolation". She ran a blood test n true enuff I had sepsis.

The next morning I was feeling better so I decided to practise on the spirometer. Instead of helping me breathe better, things got worse. My spo2 level kept dropping. When it reached 80, my daughter ran out to call the nurse & everyone went into panic frenzy. 

Suddenly a male doctor rushed in, changed my nasal prong to a stronger mask, took an ABG blood test .. I was breathing better but I was still gasping. Then my Onco Dr appeared. She hugged me & assured me that she'll give me something to help me breathe better. I was given a series of meds & she stayed with me until my breathing stabled. In the midst of all these she had told my daughter to call her father & asked him to come to the hospital as soon as possible together with everyone else available at home. I think she was preparing for the worse.

In the evening my doctor came with the Onco specialist. They explained to my husband what happened was probably due to my low immunity level post chemotherapy & also explained that I was given steroid to strengthen my lungs, a higher dose of antibiotics & oral morphine as painkiller. The specialist assured my husband that pushing me into ICU wud be the last option when all else failed. Finally my doctor told my husband that my lungs are actually in critical condition. She also told him to be prepared that I may not have much time left.

That nite, I read msgs from my husband to every possible grup that we joined asking for everyone's prayers for my recovery.

The best outcome out of this : I got a prayer fr Ustz Bunyamin, Ustaz Aqidah TFD Phg.

Earlier I had a prayer fr Us Ahmad Baha' Mokhtar coz I'm close to his mother.

Yesterday I had prayers fr my tawajjuh sisters n brothers.

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal.

My Mistake

 Allah swt menguji dgn semua yg saya mohon perlindungan darinya. 

My mistake : I belong to HIM so I don't have the right to dictate what I want n don't want. 

True it may seem genuine :

 I asked Allah swt to always allow me to sujud on my forehead, to not be a burden to my children & husband, to not be too dependent on them.

Voila! That's exactly what happened. I couldn't sujud coz the best I can do is sujud from my chair, my girls had to help wash me, prepare my food & drinks, take my medicine & made sure I was comfortable enuff even to sleep. They even monitor my spo2 level while I was sleeping to make sure I sleep with enough oxygen. 

My husband, he did everything in his power to make sure I fight this positively. He rented 1 oxygen tank, a fixed one for 24hrs home use. He bought one big portable tank and his friend borrowed us a smaller one for easier handling. Alhamdulillah for Allah's blessings.

Alhamdulillah n Thank you Allah for making me realised I don't have "tgn kiri" in my children. They are all my right hand men/women.

Semoga Allah meredhai suami & anak2ku kerana aku meredhai mereka. Sayangi mereka, Ya Allah Ya Rabbal'alamiin.

P/s : The real sujood is not abt putting your head on the ground. The real sujood is sujood of the heart.

Chemotherapy

 First Chemo :

Kelakar pun ada. It was supposed to be a short cut for me. My husband dropped me off at Level 2 so I wouldn't have to walk so far to Oncology Daycare. Unfortunately when I reached the counter the nurse noticed I semput. Told me to rest n then she took my spO2. Tu dia 89.

Just before I started my chemotherapy, the specialist came n insisted that I shud be warded. Sebelum masuk wad, kena pegi Xray n true enuff mmg ada air pd paru2. Cuma Dr kata air tu sikit tak mungkin menjadi penyebab spO2 turun teruk sgt. So kena buat further test. Memandangkn cuti Maal Hijrah plus weekend, tipis la nampaknya harapan nak discharged cepat.

Anyway test for blood clot came out negative. Alhamdulillah. But I still have to take ubat cair darah at reduced dose for prevention.

Dr bagi antibiotics sbb chemo reduced my immunity. Bagi saline utk kurangkn effect pd buah pinggang & anti-gastric pills. 

So far kesan chemo pertama ni buat my tekak pahit, hilang selera mkn, my skin drying & more sensitive. 

Icah balik semlm singgah hospital & bagi lotion. Siap tolong sikatkn rambut. (Intai jugak klu ada byk yg gugur. Not much .. for now. Alhamdulillah) Aisyah ingat nak teman tapi dia dtg lambat so tak sempat daftar utk teman bermlm.

My Cancer Journey

I went to SASMEC, UIA, Kuantan to check on sumthg but end up getting treatment for somethg else. 😊

While preparing for a minor surgery, I had to undertake a blood test, ECG & Xray. The Anaest was happy becoz everythg came out good until .. she saw my Xray. 

"Boleh la proceed dgn surgeri, semua cantik ... Ehhh, tak cantik, tak cantik" & she showed me my Xray. We both thot it was a case of post Covid lungs. I had been coughing & feeling lethargic as in some post Covid cases.

And THAT's when the ball started rolling. I was referred to Internal Medicine. The Dr took one look at my Xray & went "That's not post Covid lungs". He suspected TB so he ran all the tests for TB but they all came back negative. Then he requested for High Resolution Thoracic Scan. 4/7 he showed me the results of the scan & told me the good news. "I suspect it is cancer but it did not start fr the lungs. It spread  to the lungs fr outside via the lymph nodes"

6/7 I went to see the surgeon. She did a biopsy. Ordered for urgent Mammogram & Ultrasound which I took on Friday 8/7/2022

20/7 Biopsy, Mammogram & Ultrasound confirmed that I have Stage 4 Cancer. Primer being a lump in my breast which I was only aware of recently when I had Covid. The cancer had spread to my proximal lymph nodes & fr there into my lungs

21/7 Oncologist decided to treat the cancer in my lungs first .. then we'll deal with the lymph nodes & breast, she said, sbb the nodes & B tak sakit (uncomfortable but not painful). My guess, it's because my spO2 cud no longer reach 95. It's currently at 92. My son said, "92 tu pun tak cukup Ibu ... sel2 ibu tak cukup O2" I know he's worried BUT the hsework still needs to be done. Ok I'll do it like sllloooowwwwly .. like in sllloww motion. 

Tggu Icah & Ara balik. Those 2 mmg tgn kanan ibu. TAPI Ara tak boleh balik sbb research dia terkait dgn Senior punya lab work. And Aisyah cuma boleh balik sekejap sbb 8/8 dia ada praktikal selama 20 hari d Shah Alam. Then she starts her 4th year. Apapun Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

Semoga Allah beri saya kekuatan utk menjalani kimoterapi yg akan bermula 28/7 ini in syaa Allah. Aamiin.

Ajal

 Ajal maut hak Allah, hanya DIA sahaja yg tahu

Cuma saya berharap bila waktu saya sampai, saya sempat meminta ampun, memohon redha & halalkn semua yg termakan terminum. Mudah2an perjalanan pulang saya mudah. 

Entah kenapa saya rasa masa saya di alam ini tidaklah lama lagi … saya harap Allah beri saya kesempatan utk membayar semua hutang2 saya, membantu menjaga menantu dlm pantang & menjaga cucu2 buah hati pengarang jantung.

Prasangka

Kerana prasangka,

belum waktunya dah bersemangat

seolah-olah aku tak pernah buat (membantu di dapur)

Kelengkang kelengkung senduk berlaga

padahal tangan memang sakit tak terangkat

entah knapa nak cepat sangat (padahal iftar lagi 2 jam)

Hilang seri pahala puasa

hilang meriah bersaudara kerabat

hilang rasanya segala berkat

Hati Ibu

Semua orang cakap jangan balik, nanti bawak penyakit kat mak pak .. saya faham.
Sebagai org yg berpelajaran, saya FAHAM tapi sebagai seorg ibu pun saya faham.
Hati seorg ibu.

Ibu dah tua, usia dah hampir ke hujung nyawa, bila2 Allah boleh panggil balik. Tak kena virus Covid pun, memang dah rasa nyawa ni tinggal sisa sikit je lagi. Sebab tu, nak sangat jumpa anak2.
Andainya kena jangkitan sbb anak2 yg balik, ibu redha .. ibu sanggup tanggung sakitnya, tak kisah pun, asalkan dpt jumpa.
Terubat rindu ibu.

Tunggulah, mereka kata, tunggu PKP tamat, panjang umur boleh jumpa. Kalau tak sempat jumpa, maknanya mmg Allah tak izinkn la tu ... mmg Allah dah tetapkn, tak de rezki nak jumpa.

Ha ah, Iyelah .. senangnya kamu cakap. Kamu tak faham .. hati seorang ibu 😢

Oh My God! I thot I lost this blog .. It's still here ... YEAY!!!
And I could actually logged in. NO PROBLEM!
Alhamdulillah.
It feels good to really be back!